주디스와 그 주변을 위해

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“주디스는 지금까지 자신이 받은 사랑이 거짓이었음을 깨닫습니다. 하지만 그는 감정들, 이를테면, 배신감, 수치심, 절망과 같은 것들을 잡아두려 애쓰지 않습니다. 그는 그저 완전히 변신하기 위해 자신이 무너지는 모습을 그대로 보여줍니다.”

마터Maatter의 104 Exposed Collapse of Judith의 향을 표현하는 글이다. 104를 완성하고 음미하며 처음에는 주피터, 그리고 주디스라는 이름을 차례로 떠올렸다. 얼굴도 서사도 없는 움직이는 추상회화 같은 시퀀스가 펼쳐지고 나는 주디스가 씁쓸한 감정을 드러내며 무너지는 모습을 상상했다. 어디에서도 맡아본 적 없는 이 특별한 향은 내게 각인되었다.

후감각과 연관된 이론 중에 ‘Olfactory Library 후각 도서관‘ 이라는 말이 있다. 향을 단순한 감각이나 자극이 아닌 기억과 감정을 저장하고 불러오는 아카이브 시스템으로 보는 개념이다. 우리가 한번 맡아본 냄새는 뇌에 그 감각대로 저장된다. 후감각은 변연계를 거치며 언어화의 과정을 거치는 다른 감각 체계와 다르다. 그래서 향은 개개인이 모두 다르게 저장하며, 우리는 향을 기억하지 않는다. 어떤 향을 다시 맡고 ‘아, 이거.’ 라 읊는 순간은 기억이 아닌 바로 그것이 돌아온 감각이다. 마치 데자뷰처럼. 마르셀 프루스트는 이를 ‘삶의 정수’라고 표현했다.

Judith주디스는 엉망이다. 엉망인데 자신이 얼만큼 엉망인지 추스를 겨를 없는 엉망, 스스로에게도 누구에게도 책임을 물을 수 없는 엉망, 그냥 엉망인 채로 있는 엉망. 엉망이 난잡하게 섞여 있는 엉망. 처음 제라늄 오일을 숨으로 마셨을 때, 어둡고 축축한 곳에 응축되어 있는 감정, 누군가 봐주기 전까지는 내비치지 않는, 스스로를 측은하게 여기지도 않아, 요구하지도 않아, 유혹하지도 않아, 공격하지도 않는ㅡ물이 차 있는 동굴 안에서 핀 붉은 꽃이 그려졌다. 조향을 배우기 시작할 때 다양한 에센셜 오일을 직접 맡으며 생동하는 감각과 마음에서 그려지는 이야기의 차원이 무척 깊고 신기했다. 우리가 눈 앞의 대상에서 심연을 좇는 과정과는 차원이 다른 미지였다. 그때 그 제라늄의 인상과 존재가 황홀해서 그의 에너지(이하 G)를 향으로 직조하고 싶었다. 그리고 우연히 나는 G에 프랑킨센스를 결합했다. 프랑킨센스는 미르와 함께 고대부터 신성한 의식에 쓰여온 향료이다. 한자어를 경유해 우리말로는 유향이라고 부른다. 프랑킨센스는 리모넨이 함유되어 있어 새콤한듯 차갑고 맑은 느낌이 스파이시하게 퍼지는 나무향으로 나무향이지만 가라앉는 느낌보다 상승의 기운이 주도적이다.

이 모든 은유의 시작도, 끝도 알 길이 없지만ㅡG를 동굴에서 꺼내고 싶었다. G를 동굴에서 꺼내는 순간 G는, 미련 없는 찬바람과 칼날처럼 내리쬐는 태양빛에 바짝 마르고 산산히 부숴지는 거야. G는 부숴져 바람을 타고 공중에 날아가, 몇 점은 바닥에서 구르고, 구르던 점들도 머지않아 가루가 되어 바람을 타고 하늘로 올라가는 거지. G를 동굴에서 꺼내기 위해서 나는 G를 더 깊은 동굴로 넣었다. G에게 비버, 머스크, 동물의 육체 내음을 뿌렸다. 그들은 함께 엉켜 끈적하고 진해진다. 끈적해진 G를 동굴에서 꺼내기 위해, 프랑킨센스와 G사이에, 패출리, 자몽으로 길을 만든다. 어떻게 패출리와 자몽이 둘 사이에 길을 만들었지? 패출리는 무던하고 따뜻한 담요처럼, 우리가 언젠가 숨어들어가 위로 받던 한 칸의 장롱 속과 같은 시간을 만든다. 자몽은 레몬처럼 귀엽지도 버가못처럼 다정하지도 않다. 쿨하고, 조금 차갑지만 잔잔하고 명징한 애정을 준다. G는 끈적해진 몸과 마음을 오랜 시간 덮고, 녹이고, 털며 따뜻한 위로를 받아 무언가를 천천히 믿게 된 것이다.ㅡ제라늄과 프랑킨센스의 결합은 운명적이다. 운명에는 통로가 놓인다.

언젠가 스튜디오에 방문한 한 손님이 104의 Judith라는 이름과 이를 표현한 색 이미지를 보고 클림트가 그린 Judith가 떠올랐다는 이야기를 전했다. 나는 어렴풋이 기억 어딘가에 있던 클림트의 금빛 페인팅 속 인물을 떠올리며 어머, 그렇네요! 라 말했다. 그 뒤로 그 Judith가 성경 속 인물이라는 것, 그 인물이 여러 작품을 통해 다양한 형태와 모습으로 전유되어 왔다는 걸 알게 되었다. 그리고 성경 속 Judith와 전유되어온 인물들이 보여주는 의미와 맥락이 104의 Judith와 공명한다는 점이 놀랍고 신비했다.

For Judith and those around her

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“Judith realizes that all the love she has received until now has been false. Yet she does not try to hold on to feelings such as betrayal, shame, or despair. She simply reveals herself collapsing, just as she is, in order to transform completely.”

This text expresses the scent of Maatter’s 104 Exposed Collapse of Judith. As I completed and savored 104, the names Jupiter and then Judith came to mind. Like a sequence of moving abstract paintings without face or narrative, Judith appeared in my imagination as someone laying bare her bitterness and falling apart. A scent unlike anything I had ever encountered became engraved in me.

Among theories related to post-sensory perception, there is the notion of the “Olfactory Library.” This sees scent not merely as sensation or stimulus, but as an archival system that stores and recalls memory and emotion. Once we smell something, it is stored in the brain exactly as that sensation. Unlike other sensory systems that pass through the limbic system and undergo verbalization, olfaction does not translate into language. Each person stores scents differently, and in truth, we do not “remember” scents. The moment we encounter a smell and utter, “Ah, this,” is not memory but the direct return of sensation itself — like déjà vu. Marcel Proust described this as “the essence of life.”

Judith is a wreck. A wreck without time to even grasp just how wrecked she is. A wreck who cannot hold herself or anyone else accountable. A wreck that simply exists as wreckage, messy wreck piled upon wreck. The first time I inhaled geranium oil, I saw a red flower blooming in a dark, damp cave — condensed emotions hidden away until someone else notices them, never pitying itself, never demanding, never seducing, never attacking. In learning perfumery, smelling essential oils directly revealed impressions and stories that emerged from within — their depth and mystery so different from chasing meaning in what lies before our eyes. The impression and presence of geranium at that time were so rapturous that I wanted to weave its energy (hereafter G) into fragrance. By chance, I combined G with frankincense. Frankincense, together with myrrh, has been used in sacred rituals since antiquity. In Korean, through Chinese characters, it is called yuhyang. Containing limonene, frankincense has a sharp, cool, citrusy clarity within its spicy woody tone. Though a wood, it carries not a sinking heaviness but an ascending energy.

I do not know where this metaphor begins or ends — but I wanted to draw G out of the cave. Once outside, G would dry in the pitiless cold wind, under the blazing knife of sunlight, shattering into pieces. It would scatter in the air, some fragments rolling on the ground, only to soon crumble into dust and rise to the sky. To draw G out of the cave, I thrust G deeper into it, layering it with beaver, musk, and the animalic scent of flesh. They tangled, becoming sticky and heavy. To release this sticky G from the cave, I placed patchouli and grapefruit between it and the frankincense, opening a passage. How could patchouli and grapefruit carve such a path? Patchouli is like a warm, steady blanket, a hiding place of comfort — like the inside of a wardrobe where once we sought solace. Grapefruit is not as playful as lemon nor as kind as bergamot; it is cool, a little cold, yet calm and lucid in its affection. Over time, G, wrapped and soothed by this warmth, slowly began to trust something again. — The union of geranium and frankincense is fated. And in fate, a passage opens.

One day, a visitor to the studio, upon seeing the name Judith and its accompanying color image, remarked that it reminded them of Klimt’s Judith. Vaguely recalling the golden-painted figure from memory, I replied, “Ah, yes, indeed!” Later, I came to learn that this Judith was a biblical figure, and that she has been appropriated in many forms across artworks. It was astonishing, even mysterious, to realize that the meanings and contexts carried by biblical Judith and her manifold representations resonate with the Judith of 104.

이 글은 잡지 TUNG 6월호에 기고되었습니다.

The English version is translated by Solar(AI)